letter from my English tutor Mathew

本帖最后由 北京民工 于 2012-6-5 11:04 编辑

Mathew 是我的英语老师，三十多岁，外貌也算英俊，上课从不放弃任何一个挑逗女学生的机会。没想到，这么态度玩世不恭的一个主，内心却是个真诚的痴货。下面是我们之间的一次邮件往来。
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Matthew buddy,
This is Alex from your Dell class. As day goes by , I can't help missing
you .It sounds kind of ambiguous and misleading , er?
To learn English is not so easy, because we have to know something about
everything under the sun .What you impressed me deeply is that you are so
sensitive to this world ---from the serious philosophy to the so-called
skin-deep entertainment information. In contrast, I'm becoming rather numb
these days .What I'm concerning about is no more than bringing my home the
bacon, and I almost turn a blind eye to what's going on all around the
world. I know , blaming on the current society system and living condition
will be a poor apology for my numbness. It is you who remind me it's high
time to change now. I have had hundreds of teachers , and I have benefitted
from few of them .You are one of the few.
My friend, you're somewhat cynical sometimes. It's quite normal because
the society we live in is , in your words, really vulgar and disgusting in
many aspects ,while most people just try their best to fit in, and probably
they never have the wisdom to criticize . But criticism itself has never
changed any situation. According to your self-presentation, you've been a
lot of places, and you've been through several relationships, but in the
end , you still feel lonely desperately. Have you figured out the reason
? In my point of view, you'd better be more serious before getting involved
in a relationship. Ask yourself one question before getting started: Are you
attracted only by her physical body, or head over heels both physically and
mentally? If the key is the latter, you're almost near true love, or at
least, you're pursuiting love, or else, you'll be emptier .
Hope I have not offended you. Take care.
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Hello Alex,
No, it takes a lot more than that to offend me. Thank you for your sincere concern and the kind words you offered--which, at the very least, made the least trenchant analysis of my romantic attachments I've heard in some time more palatable. I entirely agree with you that my experience in matters of interpersonal relationships has not directly translated to progress in these areas nor led to complete satisfaction. Rest assured that I am doing what I can to address this. However, before we approach the question of why this is so, we might ask whether your expectation accords to the circumstances in which we operate. Three questions which I believe relevant to my apparent plight:

1) Are people given time anymore to develop enriching extended relationships with those to whom we feel attracted? At least two relationships I felt could have been deeply meaningful were truncated and abused by a compounding dissatisfaction emanating from our divisive personal work schedules. We simply did not grant ourselves sufficient time together to allow our relationship to achieve resonance. For my part, I believe I was willing to do so. 2) Can a long term relationship be sustained without a measure of physical attraction? The rates at which people cheat on their spouses and boy/girlfriends is growing. I should know. I've played all three roles in this little drama: the seduced, the seducer, and the deceived. In an environment in which people are given adequate space to pursue their own gratification, physical attraction of various kinds is necessary to provide the slight gravitational reminder of the person you are engaged with, the person you presume to love. 3) Is not desperation permanent? Without grace--it is.

Dearest Alex, I hope you understand that I'm cynical in the archaic sense: I believe cynicism is necessary to strip away the patina of self-gratification and conceit which allows so many people to pursue their activities absent self-reflection and doubt, as if their actions have already been enshrined in a canon of "appropriateness" or "duty" predicated, like the protracted existence statues, upon benign neglect. In truth, I embrace an artful vulgarity and I suspect that if I have any appeal as a person it is linked to this fact. To be, as Nietzsche once said the Greeks were, "naive unto profundity": is it any longer a choice? I understand that society is not to blame for my level of personal satisfaction; but if society and I have to co-exist, she'll have to settle for a little tension in our relationship. I think it makes her more appealing to me, anyway.
Don't worry about your encroaching numbness, Alex. Persons like you and I retain an edginess that comes from our humble backgrounds. Ever notice that we lack a natural congeniality? There it sits. That's our edginess.